The Courage to Feel

Lately I have been keenly aware of just how we as human beings handle unwanted feelings. The entire menu of addictions from food to sex is one way. It is a lot easier, or it seems a lot easier to pick something up than to let a feeling up. There is also busyness, distraction, avoidance through getting into other people's feelings, projection and its best friend co-dependency, that last one is always fun. It seems more and more that we, as a race not just a nation, are adapting and evolving our behavioral lives in an effort to avoid unwanted feelings.

What ones am I talking about? Well the top 3 would be fear, anger and sadness, not necessarily in that order. Wanting someone or something you can't have, having someone or something you don't want, fear of losing something or someone that you have, those are big too. When we feel our feelings, we are vulnerable to them. Not just that, when we are vulnerable to them then we have to connect to the truth of what we are doing, and whether or not it is right for us. We end up having to face the music of needing to change, which most of us hate worse than a bout of food poisoning. We might need to leave a relationship that is unhealthy or just over. We may need to tell the truth in a situation that will cause someone pain. We may need to let go of someone or something that has kept us feeling safe and comfortable but also stuck in our development. Change.

The reality of feelings is that they are not optional. The chemical piece is boring but just know that there is one and we can't change it. What we can change is how we choose to suffer in our lives by avoiding what happens when we allow the feelings to be, and we meet them as they are. Yes is true that we might have to face some facts and may have to make some decisions that might not be pleasant. But it is also true that the only way to be free of the prison of self-delusion is to live a life of accepting 'what is'. When 'what is' feels bad, we make 'what is' go away through some behavior even if that behavior is sleeping. Trouble is there is no 'away', and we repeat the process of feeling and avoiding feeling for years and years until we don't even know why we are so numb and can't stop buying stuff on QVC. At this point we have developed a strategy for dealing with unwanted feelings and it now runs on automatic.

Take a risk today and let yourself feel just one unwanted feeling. When you feel that uncomfortable stirring that signals 'don't feel this', just pause. You don't have to go after it, just don't do anything about it. Pause, take a beat, and see what happens. I promise you it will be ok. Feelings are there first before our defense against them so, you have already been living, and surviving whatever it is you think you need to avoid feeling. You are safe, your feelings can't hurt you but the avoidance of them can imprison you and steal the joy that was your birthright as a human.

A letter to the bulimic who still suffers

I am heading off to a meeting this morning to take a candle celebrating my 15 years of abstinence from bulimia. I decided to post about this because the truth is I didn't do it, I didn't cure myself. Bulimia was lifted from me when I was finally ready to give up the fight, and for 15 years I have just done whatever it took, including losing 70 lbs. and maintaing it, to not take it back again. So the candle isn't for me, it is for those of you out there that are still suffering. You need to know that we are out here, those that have found a path out of that hell called bulimia, and that we know what you are going through. You are not alone. You also need to know that hope exists, that freedom is possible, and that when you are ready, you will seek it out and we will be here waiting for you. I don't know your stories, but, I am sure they are very similar to mine and millions of other bulimics around the world. We know you because we are you. Bulimia is an obession of the mind that translates into behavior that becomes addictive. We become addicted to the chemistry produced by the behavior and it can be as hard to quit as any other chemical addiction. But, it is possible. You don't need to struggle, you just need to understand what it is, that it is bigger than you will ever be and toss in the towel and seek help now. Doesn't matter where the journey for freedom starts, just that you start it. It can be here, it can be online, it can be in books, it can be a therapist or an OA meeting. It only matters that you know that you will never win against the disease. I was bested each time I took up the fight, and I am a stubborn fighter. The only way to freedom that worked for me, and many many like me, was in giving up completely, not in fighting harder. I liken the battle with bulimia, and any addiction really, to those Chinese finger traps. The more you struggle to free yourself, the tighter it's grasp on you becomes.

Keep this thought in mind, in the time you have been reading this post you have been abstinent from purging. That is something, it counts, and it is how recovery happens, moment by moment.

I send you love and blessings for your journey.

Stephanie Rasband