1. She taught me that the lessons of life are ongoing, every moment of everyday of my life. They never stop, I am just available to receive them or I am not. If I had been distracted into busyness, talking on the phone, checking my email, I wouldn't have been present for this moment and would have missed one of the biggest teachings of my spiritual life. We can either stay awake and be present for these remarkable moments, or, we can collapse into the static that is always waiting, leaving us to sleep-walk through our lives.
2. That as parents we are our children's first spiritual teachers. It falls on our mostly unskilled, unprepared and unknowing shoulders to guide these little hearts and minds towards the positive mental and emotional choices that will eventually become part of how they see their world and themselves in it. Most parents these days are so overwhelmed with the fundamentals of life and parenthood, this can't come as good news, but it is. The mother in this case was middle class, had a business and a second job, a single mom and taking care of a sick mother. It isn't about free time. It is about paying attention. It is always about paying attention. If you pay attention to your kids, to what they say to you, to each other, to the tv, to their toys, to themselves, you will learn a lot about how they are. They will tell you with what they ask you for when they are tired and frustrated. They will tell you with what they settle for instead of your attention, what you buy them off with so that you can get a bit more done. They will tell you with what they chose to console themselves with then they are sad or disappointed. The one major quality that is present in all great spiritual teachers is their capacity for being present. The quality of their attention in that presence is like the rays of the sun for whomever is there with them. This is what it is supposed to be like for our children when we are really there with them. Our attention is manna for our offspring and they can't thrive without it. They can live without it and do, all the time, but that doesn't mean they should have to, and they will not thrive. They will survive and adapt and develop into adolescents that don't need it and then adults that can't cultivate it to give to themselves, their lives, their mates or their offspring. And so it goes. We become a culture of parents who run with their toddlers in strollers while talking on the phone and we blame school lunch programs for childhood obesity and put our sad children on antidepressants. A very sad state of affairs.
3. She taught me that the antidote to craving, of wanting something outside of me to make me feel better, to make me feel less bored, to make me feel loved and wanted and safe, is prayer, is getting out of ourselves and into someone else's life. When we are in a place of 'I need', we are rarely actually 'in need' of anything at all. There are definitely some situations where 'need' is real and is serious and should be met quickly, but, for the most part, our needs are usually wants. We have just gotten used to using the word need, for want, and I admit it does sound better and makes it seem much more justified. The trouble is that over time we have become immune to what the energy of 'need' really is supposed to be and have developed into a lazy, addicted, instant-gratification seeking culture with little capacity for learning curves, waiting, or working for something. Unfortunately for the sake of 'I need it right now' we have given up some wonderful things such as anticipation, appetite, satisfaction of accomplishment, savoring and enjoyment. I know for me that there is very little that I really 'need' other than the obvious basics, but, at any given moment I can give you a list of wants that are presenting as real needs. When I sit with the feeling of that need, something else arrives, a discontent, an absence of something that I just can't quite put my finger on. My impulse is to 'do something' to satisfy this feeling as though its mere presence was a cause for alarm and action. When I don't act, I feel and when I feel I am here, present and connected to my experience. I may like it, I may not like it, but it is happening regardless.
The key to happiness lies in that moment of connection with ones experience: if you can't meet yourself where you are, then, you will never truly 'be' happy anywhere else. Sometimes standing still is the deepest kind of prayer. Asking someone how their day is going is another. Next time you think you 'need' chocolate, a drink, a cigarette, that pair of shoes in the window, whatever, be still a moment and see what comes up. Then look around and see who is there that could benefit from your attention in some way. Sometimes just a sincere inquiry into their day can make a big difference for them and for you.
